Hair's your future

First, on my way to the train, I came across this:

Yes, that is someone's weave/extension/hairpiece.  I don't know what was more disturbing to me: the fact that a giant chunk of someone's hair was just laying there, or the fact that no one else looked at it (let alone stopped to take a picture...like me!)

Then I got on the train and realized that sometimes, I just can't.  Let me preface this story by saying that I'm used to people talking on their phones about "important business deals".  We've all been there.  Trapped in a small space with someone who desperately needs you to hear how important they are.

Today reached a new low for me and possibly, our future.  I got on the train, and sat a few rows down from a teenager who was having a conversation on his cell phone.  Wait, let me clarify: He had the iPhone headphones that have a built-in microphone...so it looked like he was talking to himself...I hope he was.

What followed was 25 minutes of extremely loud talk from him, complete with hand gestures and a smug look from a face that begged to be punched.

"Have you even read the constitution? Sometimes I just wonder if you really understand what a democracy is. Do you legitimately understand what it is to be a libertized American?"  (yes, he said libertized)

"No, Sarah, you don't understand the plight of the working man. It's maddening sometimes.  You haven't seen what I have seen, Minneapolis is dealing with an entirely new wave of poverty and crime.  I know you don't see that in Big Lake, but you need to understand that without the government, you would not be safe"  (what?  I don't unders...what?)

"No, Sarah, I've been to the capital, I know how it is in Minneapolis"  (I just can't)

"If you go to the back of the book, the answers to the odd numbered problems are there"

This is our future.

Commuting Firsts

I've been slacking! Mostly this is because nothing of extreme interest has happened in the last few days, and I haven't rode the train as much this week.  I did, however, take my first Minneapolis bus ride.  I had to get to my friend's house in Minnetonka, and due to a series of miracles, I made it!
Here's what first time bus riders need to know:

-There's no need to get to your bus stop 19 minutes early (I was nervous).
-If you have a metro pass, you should tap it when you get OFF, not when you get on (oops).
-It's better to not think about how close the bus is getting to cars, how fast it's going, or how erratic the driver is (horrifying).
-If you want the bus to stop, you have to pull a little yellow cable to request the stop...it doesn't automatically stop at every stop (thank goodness for the guy that also lived in my friend's apartment complex).

So I made it.   Wednesday was another first for me: I fell asleep on the train, on the way home.  I woke up in a panic, frantically felt around to make sure my purse was still there, and then had to ask someone what stop we were at in case I had missed mine...turns out I only slept for 5 minutes, so I was fine. I'm sure I was quite the spectacle though...I hope someone blogged about me.

The Sketchy Artist

Well, as we all know, today was a bummer of a day.  However, I did manage to find one bright spot.
As I was standing in the lower level of the train, waiting for my stop, I looked over at a kid who I would guess was about 13.  He was sketching something, which I thought was pretty cool! So, I lean in to look at what he's drawing...

It was a naked woman.

It took everything I had to not burst out laughing...especially because the woman that he was drawing was clearly inspired by barbie or porn stars...she was very top heavy.

Probably the best part was that he was surrounded by people who could see what he was drawing, and just kept on keeping on.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Talking 'bout (not my) generation

The train has been a f**kng mess.  People have been riding to avoid the weather-induced traffic, and I get that.  In fact, it's fine...as long as you understand how basic train etiquette works.  Here's an example:

If the train is full, and people are possibly having to stand in the aisles, you must remove your bags and lunch bags from the seat next to you, so someone else can sit down.  

Here's what happened this afternoon:

I get to the train with 4 minutes to spare.  I move swiftly to the last car, thinking there will be more spaces there, since usually people are lazy about walking to the end and I can get a prime seat.  I get to the last car, and there are two seats available, one facing forward and one facing backwards.  I have to face forwards or I get sick immediately, so I stand next to the seat that is holding two lunch bags and a purse, waiting for the girl who owns them to move them.  She gives me a solid dirty look, and I motion for her to move them (we both had our headphones in).  She rolls her eyes, moves her lunch bags to the table in front of her and pulls up her giant purse so I can sit down.  I roll my eyes back at her, and sit down.  She then proceeds to PUT HER PURSE BACK ON MY LAP.

Yes. You read that correctly.  She literally put her purse back on my lap, as though I was some sort of seating fixture.  So, I pushed her purse back on to her, and gave her what I believe is the ultimate look of hatred.  Then I realized that she was with the guy across from her. How did I realize this, you might ask?  Because they started texting each other and looking at me and laughing, and then texting each other. Here's how I imagine their texting conversation:

Her:"Wow, this girl that just sat down is incredibly beautiful"

Him: "I know! Can you see if you can get your purse to touch her?  Maybe her essence will rub off on you"

Her: "OMG! Great idea!  I'm going to put it on her lap!"

Him: "WTF are you doing?! She looks so pissed right now!!! Why did you put it on her lap?!"

Her: "IDK!!! I'm so sorry, she has such a winning personality and dazzling smile, I became overwhelmed with greatness!"

Him: "Let's look at her and smile so she knows we're not mad"

Her: "OMG why did you laugh at her?!"

Him:"I laugh when I'm nervous, I want to be just like her!"

Her: "You are SO embarrassing! Let's get off the train right now!"

Me: I'm so flattered! Thanks, kids!

Light Rail Fail

So I'm on the light rail.  In front of me is the handicapped seating, and next to that, the bike racks.  A man who is approximately 400 pounds sits down in front of me, in the handicapped seating.  Then, a woman in a little rascal scooter slides into the train with gusto.  "Woah, woah, LOOK OUT!"was the key message, and she then scooted (rascal-ed?) her way up to the handicapped seating.  She took one look at the guy, and instead of asking him to move, started to back her scooter repeatedly into his knees.  He remained calm (good for him, I would have lost it), and asked her if he could help her into the spot across the aisle, which was technically a bike rack area, but had ample room for her scooter.

Her response?

"This ain't no bike! Do I look like I'm going to be jumping on a ten speed anytime soon? NO! I have 3 wheels! It's motorized! I CAN'T WALK! Now you just let me know if I'm going to hit you!"....WHACK.

I got off the train.

The Dog Days of Winter

So, it snowed yesterday...a lot.  After all was said and done, we ended up with about a foot of fluffy, white snow. Now, I know we've had a few mild winters recently, so maybe people forgot that snow can complicate things.  Things like your commute, parking spaces, footwear choices, etc.  This morning was no exception.  After a 30 minute 11 mile drive, I arrived to the station just as my train was pulling in. So, I didn't make it, and had to wait another half hour for the next train.  I circled the parking lot, only to find that 1/3 had been plowed...and the rest was a strange mix of plowed, semi-plowed, and not plowed at all.  It made me wonder if whoever had plowed was trying to send some sort of crop circle message to the snow gods.
After 10 minutes of circling, I decided to "park" between two giant trucks, in hopes that one of them is still there when I have to go home..in case the plow does decide to come through and I get stuck.

Much to my delight, I found that my car provided a perfect spot to watch everyone else arrive.  Throngs of angry commuters showed up to find the haphazard lot, and reacted accordingly.  The one plow truck that was trying to make his way through got several middle fingers, and a lot of verbal abuse.  He then left.  Probably not a good idea to piss off the guy who's trying to create parking spaces for you...but what do I know.

With about 5 minutes to spare, I headed towards the train, and found that no snow had been cleared whatsoever from the platform or any of the sidewalks.  Luckily, the commuters who had gone before us had created a sort of path..but it was only helpful if you were wearing boots.  Boots. A Minnesota staple, right?  Apparently not.  Many people (mostly women, I'm sad to say), were attempting to navigate through the foot-high snow in regular shoes.  This provided an interesting soundtrack of shrieks, grumbles, and cursing.

At the Anoka stop, a woman got on and sat down across the aisle from me.  Her actions sort of reminded me of my dog, Norman, when he does this crazy thing where he rolls around on his back, snorts and sneezes, and makes a lot of noise.  I read somewhere that they do this to try to smell like you, which is kind of cute but also kind of weird..but I digress. Anyways, she sits down, harumphs about a million times, ensuring that everyone is looking at her, and then proceeds to shake and slap at her normal shoes and socks (no boots), which are caked in snow and ice.  In doing so, she got everyone around her wet...much like my dog Norman does when he shakes off.

She realized what she did, and instead of apologizing, shut her eyes and continued to whimper and moan...much like my dog, Norman.

We all did a collective eye-roll, patted ourselves down, and carried on.

Happy Monday.

The Astronaut

I had to take the last train home today, which was a first for me.  I'm glad I did, because I ended up sitting in front of a man who took endless phone calls.  Usually this would REALLY annoy me but the content was amazing.  He didn't enunciate well, but I soon realized that each call had a few key phrases:
"No man, this weed is SPACE AGE"
"SPACE AGE, man, it will eliminate everything in your intergalactic universe"
"I hate Miller Lite, man, you can't pay me for these space age greens with that nasty brew"
"That's all you got? Alright, I'll come. But do you have immodium? Because that stuff gives the the shits"

Happy Friday.

Otter Tale

Overheard:  Group of friends discussing their love for Minnesota and our beautiful lakes.  Boating, fishing, water skiing, the whole works. All of the sudden, the only woman in the group says this:

"You know, otter attacks were at an all time high this summer.  I experienced one myself, but the person I was with was worse.  We had to go to the hospital, and it might have had rabies, so it was really scary and horrible."

Everyone else...silence.

Debbie Downer was on my train.
Debbie Downer Clip Here

Family Man

I missed my train yesterday by 30 seconds.  So for my punishment I sat in the car for 30 minutes, ate my breakfast, and thought about how close I could be to work if I had only left the house earlier, not gotten stuck behind the bus, yadda yadda yadda.

So this morning, one might think that after my negative experience yesterday, I would have left the house extra early.  Instead, I got frustrated with finding a shirt to wear, and ended up getting to the train station 2 minutes before the train got there.  As I parked, grabbed my bags and started my frantic sprint to the train, I ran past a man with what looked like 4 suitcases, 2 car seats, and zero luck.  Due to my frantic sprint and un-caffeinated brain, I didn't process that I should have helped him until I was almost to the other side.  So I felt like a giant A-Hole, but I still needed to add money to my metro card..and ugh, I suck.

As I finish loading up my card, the train is coming to the platform, and I hear him coming around the corner, so I step aside to see if I can help.  He throws the luggage to the ground, looks at his wife and two children, and says "Ok, you got the tickets, right?"
His wife gives him probably the dumbest look ever, and says "Uh, ummm...no, I had the kids, I couldn't do that"...

I wanted to hit her, and I didn't even know her.  So we've learned that not only can this woman not help carry her own suitcases, she can't figure out a very user friendly ticket machine while her poor husband struggles with the entire family's luggage.

The guy, with a complete look of hopelessness, sprints to the ticket machine, while a random woman steps forward and takes charge.

"You get the kids on the train, we'll take care of the rest."  She looks at me, points at a few other people, and says "You know what to do".

We all grabbed a bag, carseat, whatever, and got on the train.  Lady in charge let the conductor know that we needed to wait for the guy buying tickets, he sprinted onto the train, and we all piled the luggage around loser wife and her husband...nearly everyone said "good luck", it was unclear if they meant on the rest of his trip or in his marriage.

Hello World

After receiving many requests to share my stories from the commuter train, I decided to start a blog.  I don't always have something interesting happen every day, but most days it's at least facebook worthy.  Stay tuned.